You Say I Can't Handle Being Anti-Social. I Say I Just Don't Need To Be.

Recently things have been getting to me because I feel like I care too much. I put too much effort into things or have too much hope for things. But the reality is, my expectations are too high, and that's why I keep feeling so let down. I always have a tendency to expect people to always follow through with commitments, promises, and expect them to care as much as I do. But the reality is, that doesn't always happen. The sad part is, I always have that hope, a renown trust, that things will be different, even after previously being let down. I don't understand why I can't just learn my lesson the first time, or even the second. My trust is hard to break. For most people, it's the other way around. For them, it takes time and effort to build trust. For me, I bestow people with too much trust. Which is even worse. Because I end up putting too much of a responsibility on their shoulders that they can't follow through with, and sometimes don't even know they have. It used to seem like a gift, since it enables me to easily become close to people and make friends. But now I realize, it may actually be a curse.

Sometimes I don't realize that people aren't like me. That they can't trust others as well. That all comes from past experiences and one's character. It causes some to want to block out all forms of commitment and trust from their side. These people don't mind letting others trust them, but they're unable to return that trust. I realize the issue is that throughout my life, I've always been expecting mutual friendships, in which I receive the same trust I give. But that's simply not possible for some.Sometimes I feel like I care too much because when I talk to some people, I feel like I'm always the one having to keep up the conversation, or having to text first. If I'm not going to receive the same recognition and remembrance in return, why should I care? Why should I have to try so hard to keep up? It leaves me to be the one that gets hurt and feel, well desperate. When in reality, I just don't want to let the relationship to become feeble.

So then I decided to stop. That was my conclusion to all of this: just stop getting so close to people. Stop texting so much. I didn't need to keep up with everyone to live. I could just dwell in my 'me time' and be happy right? The quieter portion of humans could do it, so couldn't I? I had gotten to the point where I liked people so much, that it caused me to not like people. Oxymoron right? I cared for people so much, that I didn't want to care as much. I like socializing so much, but I didn't want to keep being put down like that. So I tried to tell myself that I just no longer liked people. But then it hit me: instead of expecting that same trust, I need to learn to accept what I do receive, and appreciate it instead. I need to cherish the reliance and confidence put on me, and let it slowly grow. I shouldn't try to push it- I need to let a comfortable medium form for both sides of the relationship.

The amount of trust varies from relationship to relationship, so it's important for me to live accordingly, and try to balance it out. I need to control the amount of trust I impose onto people. I know I'm not the kind of person that would be able to stop caring about people and stop wanting to keep a relationship with those close to me, because I'd miss them too much. Instead of avoiding the let down by reducing communication, I need to embrace it, and work on understanding it. Instead of feeling let down, I know I need to work on lowering my expectations so I can be happier with the relationships I have and appreciate all they have to offer.